My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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