Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
