i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
