Swine flu. Run for my life!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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