Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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