i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
