When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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