I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
