I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
