I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
