I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
