Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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