Someone shit on the floor
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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