Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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