I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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