I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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