I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
