If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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