Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
