How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
