please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
