I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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