he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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