I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
