Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
