you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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