Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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