i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
