She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Shame is for Republicans.
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