i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
