Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
