i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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