You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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