I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
