I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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