I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
