Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
