Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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