I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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