I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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