Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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