that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
