tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He better not be in your backpack
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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