why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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