ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
