i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
