in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
