So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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