No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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