I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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