Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
