She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm bleeding and have questions
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
