It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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