Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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