if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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