I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
