omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
