She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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