"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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