i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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